I just would like to share the following anonymous posts that I have been lucky enough to read and somewhat take a step into their lives, well at least a fraction of it…
These are incredibly heart-warming and yet so sad to read & acknowledge the fact that somebody, somewhere out there is experiencing pretty much the same bullshit that they are and there’s sadly nothing one could do about it, to neither change their medical condition nor win a lottery to pay off their medical bills.
Seeing my grandfather in a hospice was one of the worst experiences of my life, and if he could see himself laying in that bed like that, slowly being starved to death, he would have wanted someone to hand him a gun so he could put himself out of his misery.
No one should be allowed to make that decision for you. If you think that, spend time with someone with Alzheimer’s. I took care of my grandmother in law the last year of her life 24/7.
She went from someone who had moments of clarity and could enjoy simple things to losing the ability to walk, write, read or say a single comprehensible sentence and finally the ability to eat.
At the end I was trying to keep her alive on applesauce and she couldn’t swallow that. Hospice took over where she spent a week 1/2 there dying of starvation/dehydration. She got so hot at the last few moments.
She cooked herself. She just rambled deliriously until she couldn’t any longer.
Before she got to the swallowing part she said almost daily she wanted to die. Even when she was out of her mind she would get lucid for maybe a minute and would get that out. I don’t blame her. Once she begged me to kill her. After watching her truly suffer I would kill myself one way or another if I found out I had this. It’s worse than anything I have ever seen.
One of the hardest things I have ever seen was in the span of a few days watch her lose her husband in her mind. One day she looked up at me with tears in her eyes asking me who her husband’s name was? They had been married for over 50 years and he had died 5 years before.
My mother had stage 4 stomach cancer… only after a while it wasn’t stomach cancer anymore because they removed her stomach… and many other things.
Imagine at some point just not ever eating food again, but only having a white fluid pumped into your veins for 18 hours a day, in a bag you need help carrying. Not being able to dress or bathe yourself. Not having full control of your bowels. Burps that might contain what is essentially your own shit. Constant excruciating pain, having full mental capacity and seeing the pity and sadness by everyone around you… and knowing you’re never getting better.
And knowing that you’re only going to suffer worse and worse, every day until you die, that there is no recovery coming.
The only thing coming is dying and that your death is the only positive event left in your life.
As someone that helped take care of a family member with extreme dementia and diabetes, even when she never spoke a word and mostly cried because she would remember her mother and father were dead (15 years ago but it was new for her every time), I really wish she could have been out of that misery instead of suffering for years. In her brief moments of clarity (until there weren’t any) she would let us know she wanted to die.
I watched her lay in that bed crying and defecating herself for so long. Feels bad man.
Do I look at hospitals as hellish? Fuck yeah. It has absolutely nothing to do with the dreadful interior or combination of cleaning chemicals & urine on the floor & (I don’t know how it got there) ceiling. It’s nothing to do with the staff either, in fact most doctors and some nurses seem pretty happy and jazz talk around the Espresso Machine like everyone else. It’s mostly the screams.